There is no way we can have knowledge of a person without a relationship. We can have flights of fancy. We can have a fairy tale mental image of a person. We can lose ourselves in a fantasy. We can write poetry and prose about a person. But all these efforts come to naught unless we are satisfied with dreamy, ephemeral images. To truly know a person, to have knowledge of a person, we must have a relationship.
How deep can a relationship be, or how hollow is it? When I relate to another, how strong and deep are my feelings and my sharing with that other? And does that other return and share my feelings? Is there depth of feeling in the relationship and, if so, is it shared by both parties?
What are those things, those thoughts, those emotions that draw and keep two people together in a loving and wonderful relationship? I have reviewed quotes by some who have addressed this topic. I see in this wisdom not simply a spontaneous flood of emotion, caring, and angels playing harps. This joyous event can and sometimes does happen. But more often, and more substantial, is intention. This love, this relationship, requires attention and work. I remember a line from a years ago song, “You don’t bring me flowers anymore.” I must continue to give that relationship the proof of my love in terms of time and attention.
Do I understand the likes, dislikes, the weird ideas and desires of the other? If not, I had better take the time to understand them. Too often I suffer in silence the things that annoy me. Resentment builds. This passive/aggressive stance can destroy a relationship. Vent your spleen and settle the matter. Speak of my love for this person. Give them the joy of tenderness and compliments. Let them know I continue to care. Become two souls in one body. Speak that most desired, most required phrase, “I love you.”, and support it with action.
We all recall in the first blush of meeting, the tantalizing promise of a relationship, the thrill of romance, how we become spontaneous in our efforts to perfect the relationship. Without thinking we call, we send flowers, we long for togetherness. We want contact to share and perfect our relationship. All other duties and responsibilities pale in relationship to this marvelous happening. We run on autopilot with emotion driving the endeavor. We enter the warm and fuzzy world of the subjective. There is no objective reality here. What dominates are feelings, love, hope, longing, the desire to connect with someone on a plane devoid of logic, and the search for knowing – the ability to know and share the deepest feelings in our joined hearts.
Time passes. If the relationship matures the rush of passion and spontaneity slows. The sometimes stark reality of daily life intrudes. This is a time when the wonderful experience of knowing the other should take hold. Who is this person? What can we share? What makes us laugh together and cry together? My Father used to say “Sex don’t last but good cookin do. The “good cookin” is a thing of the intellect. It is a learning and appreciation of who that other really is. This “good cookin” are the ties that bind. Now, when the heart, when love, when emotion moves from passion to the warmth of knowing, sharing and togetherness, a new mandate enters. You had better express your love and devotion with intentionality. Passion sponsored spontaneity has cooled. Now you must keep the relationship alive with planned, intentional events. Don’t let the relationship wither as so mournfully described in the line “You don’t bring me flowers anymore.”